Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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