They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
