We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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