Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize