She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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