Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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