It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
