Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Houston, we have a squirter
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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