awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
im six kinds of drunk right now
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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