Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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