We're facebook friends in real life
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
