the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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