The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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