Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
