True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize