hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize