Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
