turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am midnight drunk by noon
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
