my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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