No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
