Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
