peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
