I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
