Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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