I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
