saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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