Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
