Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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