i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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