So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
