that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
