forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
