hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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