Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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