I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
