Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
