so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
