she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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