My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
