Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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