You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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