the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Randomize
