Say something about gay babies.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
