this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
