I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
