so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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