You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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