He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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