life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
