I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
