I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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