FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have tasted many bathrooms
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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