i permit you to call me
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
