Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
