Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
