I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
