I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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