I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize