a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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