He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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