youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
