It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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