Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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