So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize