I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
